Originally published Apr 15, 2021

“Hamilton is the only thing Dick Cheney and I agree on.”
— Barack Obama, 44th President Of The United States (2009-2016)

“Well, my name’s A-Ham and I’m here to say
I prefer a Constitution in the Federalist way!”
— from Hamilton, written and performed by Lin-Manuel Miranda

CONTENT WARNING: DISCUSSIONS OF RACISM, SLAVERY, GENOCIDE, VIOLENCE, COLONIALISM

What is Hamilton?

Lin Manuel-Miranda’s Hamilton, a hip hop musical about the Founding Fathers, is what you would get if you asked someone who didn’t understand that “Springtime For Hitler” was a joke to write an American version.

Hamilton is the fulfillment of a dream: the dream of a tone-deaf, politically-connected son of a Democratic Party hanger-on to anoint himself poet laureate of ‘what it’s like’ being from ‘the block,’ by making a two-and-a-half-hour episode of Schoolhouse Rock.

No seriously, this is a real review where a definitely-not-brainwashed critic celebrates Hamilton as being a ‘dangerous’ version of Schoolhouse Rock. I didn’t even make that part up; that’s literally what the fans of the show say about it.

Hamilton is what would happen if you locked all the people who unironically retweeted, “Time for some GAME THEORY!” in a room and told them to group jam a hip, new version of Johnny Tremaine. The Disney version; not the book.

Let me tell you about the time a bunch of people who blame Susan Sarandon for Hillary Clinton losing the election got together to write a Vox explainer…

The definitely-not-a-personality-cult audience of Hamilton loves the musical’s groundbreakingly schmaltzy and politely reactionary nationalism, especially for how it launders America’s past and present crimes into the most inspiring human interest story about wise celebrity politicians and noble, patriotic wonks since The West Wing, but this time with black people so it’s even more important. Hamilton‘s core audience of soppy liberal jingoes in denial’s demand for more gentrified revisionist history to be pooped directly into their brains is so insatiable, Linny From The Block has begun posting short remixes and Hamilton-related performances on TikTok to give the show’s target audience yet another excuse not to get over their Constitution fetish from ninth grade history class. Fans have given these short clips the affectionate name, ‘Hamildroppings’.

Hamilton is what would happen if the cast of MSNBC wrote their own, ‘improved’ version of Mr. Smith Goes To Washington and cast Poochie to play Jimmy Stewart.

Hamilton showed everyone traumatized by the death of Quibi there was still a place for mature, nuanced storytelling in this otherwise barren cultural landscape.

What’s the favorite musical of people who own a Pete Buttigieg poster?

What do you call a room full of people who supported universal healthcare until Bernie Sanders won the Iowa Caucus? A Hamilton convention.

If you went into a crowded theater where Hamilton is being performed and shouted, “Oh no! The Pod Save America guys were all eaten by weasels!” the entire audience would burst into tears.

Have you heard the one about Aaron Sorkin and Jazzy Jeff forming a rap duo and releasing a Constitution-themed concept album?

What’s the perfect night out for people who think Spike Lee, “undermined his own message,” when Mookie threw the trash can?

So, three people who think Kamala Harris is a civil rights pioneer walk into a theater, and…

Fun fact: the name for a group of McKinsey consultants is, ‘a hamilton.’

The kids are alright.

Pulitzer Prize winner and MacArthur genius grant recipient Lin-Manuel Miranda demonstrating his visionary artistic genius.

Artistic genius Lin-Manuel Miranda responds to criticism that his play, about how the Founding Fathers were tragic heroes who made the bestest and most tolerancing country ever, by politely and deferentially explaining that there just wasn’t any room to talk about those things because it was much more important to show people how the wives and mistresses of the Founding Fathers were total girlbosses whose smart but sassy attitudes really shaped this country. Miranda then continued to make obscene amounts of money by pandering to an audience of self-impressed, complacent liberals who want to think the War of American Independence was a cartoonish ‘gang war’ instead of a rebellion by a bunch of rich assholes who were mad they had to pay taxes and weren’t allowed to annihilate as many Indian tribes as they wanted to. But it’s ok: U.S. history has black people now because Hamilton says so, so now U.S. history is totally on fleek.

“[T]he casting of Black, Latino, and Asian American leads allowed [Hamilton’s audience] to literally view America as a nation of immigrants, with the intention of showing how irrelevant the Founding Fathers’ whiteness is to their claim on the country.”

“Rollin’ down the street, to the White House
Sippin’ on mint julip, laid back
With my mind on my cotton
And my cotton on my mind”
— George Washington, from Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton

Ok, that was fun but now we need to start talking seriously. The truth about Hamilton is: Keith Olbermann just died of autoerotic asphyxiation by choking himself too hard with an American flag, and you’ll never guess what he wants played at his funeral…

Who Should Watch Hamilton?

“As historians Gregory Lablavsky and Jeffrey Ostler have shown, Hamilton advocated for a federal military force that would be able to confront ‘the savage tribes on our Western frontier [who] ought to be regarded as our natural enemies’ during the constitutional ratification debate in 1788.”
— from “Hamilton ignores the statesman’s strategy to fund genocidal warfare against Indigenous Peoples”, TheConversation.com

Can you believe that I’m an ooooowrphan*
But I still got to write the constituuuuuuution
Being a Founding Father’s pretty baaaaaallin’
It’s not racist ’cause I’m an ooooowrphan*
– from Hamilton, by Lin-Manuel Miranda
*note: “ooooowrphan” = “orphan”

• Do you have connections that can get you free tickets this week to a Broadway show with a years-long waitlist, AND get very excited about means testing?

• Looking for something to spend your money on now that The Lincoln Project is going under?

• Are you embarrassed to admit you still don’t like the hippity-hop, and wish it was more like that nice, polite John Denver fellow?

• Need some patriotic inspiration that will make your heart swell with pride, now that you’ve watched all the episodes of friendly, progressive CIA agent Jim from The Office creating new opportunities for female business owners of color in Venezuela?

• Do you own a book by Paul Friedman?

• Do you think the wealthy, carpet-bagging gentrifier who appointed himself the media/political representative of the common Puerto Rican can solve racism by rapping a mashup of 1776 and Rent for an audience of Beltway hacks and Clinton sycophants?

• Do you hear the phrase, “rap, after all, is an American art form,” and whisper to yourself, “This is so important.”

• Do you think the Puerto Ricans going on strike and protesting to prevent a wealthy, American gentrifier from staging his celebration of Puerto Rico’s colonizers as hip and wise rulers who made the kewlest government ever, are, “only hurting their own cause”?

• When you hear the phrase, “a classic immigrant success story of overcoming obstacles and beating the odds,” do you think, “I hope it’s about a rich white guy who owned slaves and created the American banking system, who raps.“

• Looking to meet other people who think calling Neera Tanden ‘fart breath’ is, “upholding white supremacy”?

• Do you think The Newsroom was, “misunderstood”?

• Did you applaud at the needle drop during Captain Marvel?

• Have you taken a selfie while making a gang sign and wearing a pussy hat?

• Was it very inspiring for you to see Gina Haspel make herstory?

• Need the perfect gift for the special someone in your life who’s a little too into Beto O’Rourke?

• Did you realize as soon as Biden was inaugurated that those concentration camps looked pretty comfortable, and now always make sure to point out that, “sanitary conditions have really improved”? Then you’ve already watched Hamilton on Disney+ at least three times.

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• If you found out Toni Morrison hated Hamilton so much she funded a play about how Lin-Manuel Miranda is an idiot who thinks he’s fixing racism by laundering the image of the genocidal creators of the country’s white supremacist power structures, would you consider it, “a very problematic response”?

• Can you still remember how upset you were that Primary Colors would disrespect the office of the President like that?

• Have you ever complained in public that ‘Anaconda’ is “degrading to black women,” even though you’re white?

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• Do really, really hope Chelsea Clinton runs for president one day?

• Is your idea of a ‘freedom fighter’ Robert Mueller?

• Did you always #believevictims, right up until you heard about Tara Reade and had to take the #MeToo out of your bio?

• When you heard there was controversy around LaLa Land, did you immediately realize that you’ve always had very strong and important opinions about jazz?

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• Did you only like ‘Wet Ass Pussy’ after Ben Shapiro made a stupid clickbait video about it?

• Can you not fully support a candidate until they get an endorsement from Henry Kissinger?

• Did you lecture people about how they don’t understand what privilege is because they didn’t vote Klobuchar in the last primary?

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• Is your favorite part of the protest when the cops start taking selfies with protestors?

• Are you a, “big history fan,” who says, “I ship it,” after every page?

• Do you see George W. Bush as an inspiring symbol of bipartisanship and the happy days of yore when you could feel proud to call yourself an American, even though you never voted for him?

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• Do you keep a list of war criminals who have been in the White House that skips Libya and only gets to Yemen after Trump was elected?

• Do you regularly find yourself defending the strong, sensible leadership of Chuck Schumer?

• Did you vote Obama, but still tear up watching John McCain’s funeral?

What audiences are saying about Hamilton

“In Hamilton’s opinion, a strong national army was necessary to deal with the European and Indigenous threats to the new nation. Once the U.S. constitution was ratified in 1788 with its emphasis on a strong central government, Hamilton became the first Secretary of the Treasury in 1789.

“In that role, Hamilton ensured [by leveraging additional taxes to fund America’s expansionist wars against Native Americans] that the American government had an army at its disposal that could be deployed to wage genocidal warfare against Indigenous nations…

“…According to Hamilton, the Indigenous nations in the west would support the Spanish in Florida and the British in the Great Lakes region ‘because they have most to fear from us and most to hope from them.’”
–from “Hamilton ignores the statesman’s strategy to fund genocidal warfare against Indigenous Peoples”, TheConversation.com

“So to you, all the colonials across the land
There’s no need to argue
King George just don’t understand”
— from Hamilton, written and performed by Lin-Manuel Miranda

“It’s amazing how Lin-Manuel Miranda was able to gather every single person who has ever compared politics to Harry Potter in the same place!”

“It’s inspiring to see someone pick up where Bill Cosby left off in giving African Americans a voice.”

‘It’s a step forward. That’s what matters right now.’ The intermission crowd around me nodded with approval, every one of them whipping out their phones to be the first to retweet the pictures I’d just shared with them of Nancy Pelosi wearing kente cloth.

“I went to Hamilton last week, and it was so refreshing to hear at least three different people say, ‘I disagreed with Scalia a lot, but it was so offensive to disrespect the dead like that.'”

“I don’t know, Elizabeth Warren is a little too ‘left’ for me…“

“Thank God, now I don’t have to feel bad that I stopped caring about police violence after Biden was elected.”

“Did you hear that Noah Berlatsky has created his own, ‘non-white savior’ version of Scientology? I’ve already signed up to have my whiteness levels tested to see if I’m carrying any problematic imprints from past lives.”

“It can’t be racist if it has a black person in it.”

“I’ve always said the Constitution was ‘pretty gangsta’.

What critics are saying about ‘Hamilton‘

“But any moral objections [Hamilton] held [about slavery] were tempered by his social and political ambitions. Throughout his life, like so many leaders of the time, he allowed or used slavery to advance his fortunes…”
— from “Alexander Hamilton’s Complicated Relationship to Slavery”, History.com

“Yo, T-Jeff, Imma bust a cap in that Benedict Arnold’s thicc ass!”
— from Hamilton, written and performed by Lin-Manuel Miranda

“With Hamilton, visionary genius Lin-Manuel Miranda breaks down racial barriers by pushing hip hop in an innovative direction even the people who called Bill Clinton the first black president can enjoy.”

“If you saw a fascist death cult forming around Trump and still spent 4 years panicking about how Chapo Trap House is the vanguard of white supremacy, Hamilton is right up your alley.”

“If you’re like me and have spent years imagining what an ‘edgier’ reimagining of Wishbone would be like, Hamilton is the closest we’ll ever get to the real thing.”

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“Finally, rap for people who find Huey Lewis, ‘a little too spicy,’ for their tastes.'”

“Studies show that an overwhelming majority of people who say, ‘technically, it’s not eugenics if…’ love Hamilton!”

“People who correct you if call them ‘camps’ instead of ‘Service Processing Centers’ agree…”

“Hamilton makes Epic Rap Battles Of History look like NWA — A++! A real gamechanger!”

“If you think Clara Jeffery brought a, “fresh perspective,” to Mother Jones, you’ll be delighted by Hamilton.”

“Hamilton is the perfect musical for people who read an editorial by David Brooks and then tweet, ‘I disagree with a lot of this, but…'”

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“People who supported draconian crime bills in the 90s agree: hip hopera masterpiece Hamilton redefines what it means to be a rebel, politically and musically, by masterfully rebranding America’s problematic history in a way that empowers viewers… and America.”

“Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton is a gift to the audience that is so generous and important, the entire country should be forced to watch it over and over again until they promise to vote the right way.”

‘Legendary’ (Jesus, really?!) artist Lin-Manuel Miranda has faced criticism from people who don’t understand that mindless platitudes and huckster salesmanship are demolishing racist power structures and solving the problem of police violence. I guess some people just don’t understand how privilege works.

Hamilton has faced a backlash to its totally-not-astroturfed-to-hell-and-back-by-Miranda’s-lifelong-political-connections-to-the-most-powerful-people-in-the-Democratic-Party-and-media popularity, now that it can be experienced by an audience not made solely of easily-impressed partisans so infested with chickenhawk jingo brainworms they can’t feel their intelligence and basic human dignity being insulted by the hack monorailing them into smug political complacency. Despite the controversy, Hamilton has continued to find support among its core audience of critics so desperate to justify their delusional proclamations of Lin-Manuel Miranda’s genius they’ve forgotten how criticism works.

Hamilton‘s audience is known for its love of immigration and its belief in the go-getter, make-your-own-destiny promise of this flawed but great nation.

In response to the terrible crimes being committed by the United States in the present, Lin-Manuel Miranda has promised to put on a production of his revisionist historical propaganda at the most overcrowded ICE concentration camps, so that even the most disadvantaged among us can have the opportunity to celebrate this country’s proud legacy of supporting diverse immigrant populations, thus giving detainees the inspiration to create their own immigrant story and follow their own American Dreams.

Hamilton has inspired all types of people, including critics for sites called ‘IndieWire‘, who are so gullible that treacly propaganda about the cool new not-racist history of the country inspires them to grovel before the wise and generous Mr. Disney for further consolidating their already incomprehensible control over all human culture. Just as Alexander Hamilton intended when he built the country’s economic system on a foundation of predatory and exploitative capitalism where the superior elect horde wealth and exorcise the power that comes from it unchallenged over a menial populace. Truly, Alexander Hamilton represents all of us and embodies the wholesome and inspiring values this flawed but perfect country was founded on.

Lin-Manuel Miranda compassionately used the devastation of Puerto Rico caused by Hurricane Maria to generate publicity for his already-popular musical by teaming up with his celebrity friends to provide necessary relief for average Puerto Ricans and raise money for Democrats. They never got around to the first part because they were too busy advocating for Congress to appoint an unelected, authoritarian ‘council’ of corporate bean counters that would go on to impose brutal austerity measures on Puerto Rico, including cutting wages and restricting sick leave, overtime, and holiday bonuses. But the fundraising and palling around with Jimmy Fallon was very progressive and showed the people of Puerto Rico there are still those who embody real American values and care about their plight, which should provide Puerto Ricans with all the inspiration and motivation they need to inspiringly overcome the odds and vote Democrat like they’ve been told to.

If Ehrlichsucks Mickey’s dick any harder he’s going to swallow his own tongue.

The easiest way to tell something really fucking sucks in a profound way is if a review reads like the critic ate a thesaurus and spewed adjectives all over a dirty letter to their favorite celebrity.

Hamilton has been acclaimed by mush-brained critics who are so desperate to convince themselves they still get to review real movies they’ve let their brains rot to the point they think writing literal Disney propaganda about how profiting from a reactionary revisionist history created to update the country’s brand to appeal to a modern woke audience is a benevolent act of corporate philanthropy. Multiple times. In the same review.

Seriously, this shit ruins people’s brains.

Artistic genius Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton explodes previous conceptions of plays that get filmed for television broadcast, by bravely using multiple cameras instead of just one and inspirationally editing footage together even though they weren’t shot at the same time. My God. The genius of it.

The greatest moment in Twitter history.

Lin-Manuel Miranda’s infinite compassion for the downtrodden, and his unending moral commitment to bringing justice to the victims of white supremacy in Puerto Rico, lasted exactly as long as his target audience’s infinite compassion and unending moral commitment to bringing justice to the downtrodden lasted once Biden won the election and it turned out concentration camps weren’t that bad.

Lin-Manuel Miranda and his fans embody the same progressive, inspirational values as Alexander Hamilton, such as responding to the country’s genocidal history by shaking their heads and saying, “That’s problematic,” and then going right back to doing nothing about it so they can make even more money glamorizing that same history, all while smirking about how they know that good things are good but bad things are bad better than everyone else does.

Every single rave review and gushing tribute to Hamilton has to pretend shit that thousands upon thousands of musicals have done for over a century are groundbreaking and revolutionary acts that redefine what humans are capable of achieving. It’s like Jonestown for radlibs.

I hope Miranda is at least paying for the purple sneakers.

Turns out all Paul Haggis had to do to get the respect of critics was turn Crash into a musical.

I’m starting to think Miranda is holding these people’s families hostage.

The Hamilton fanbase is made up of the exact kind of people who think Hamilton would be even more progressive and inspiring if the Founding Fathers teamed up with The Avengers and bro-fisted Captain America. God help us all.

Hamilton continues a proud tradition of propaganda for middle class liberals, in which the unique histories, cultures, contexts, and artforms of diverse and underprivileged communities are gentrified into an inspiringly generic ‘American artform’, and then rendered down into a contextless Good America®-brand paste that can be slathered on top of the U.S.’s long-running-and-still-continuing history of greed, colonialism, genocide, and environmental destruction, all so the audience can pretend that there were black people at the Constitutional Convention and tell each other they totally wouldn’t have been racist if theywere a Founding Father.

Pictured: Lin-Manuel Miranda shows his support for the people of Puerto Rico and helps make their voices heard, by begging riot cops to prevent protests against his schmaltzy propaganda celebrating Puerto Rico’s colonizers being staged for a wealthy audience using Puerto Ricans as fundraising bait, even as they deprive the regular people of the island access to the benefits of basic civilization in the name of fiscal responsibility and maintaining the stability of the financial and racial class systems. Just like Alexander Hamilton would have done.