Originally published Apr 15, 2021
“Hamilton is the only thing Dick Cheney and I agree on.”
— Barack Obama, 44th President Of The United States (2009-2016)
“Well, my name’s A-Ham and I’m here to say
I prefer a Constitution in the Federalist way!”
— from Hamilton, written and performed by Lin-Manuel Miranda
CONTENT WARNING: DISCUSSIONS OF RACISM, SLAVERY, GENOCIDE, VIOLENCE, COLONIALISM
What is Hamilton?
Lin Manuel-Miranda’s Hamilton, a hip hop musical about the Founding Fathers, is what you would get if you asked someone who didn’t understand that “Springtime For Hitler” was a joke to write an American version.
Hamilton is the fulfillment of a dream: the dream of a tone-deaf, politically-connected son of a Democratic Party hanger-on to anoint himself poet laureate of ‘what it’s like’ being from ‘the block,’ by making a two-and-a-half-hour episode of Schoolhouse Rock.
No seriously, this is a real review where a definitely-not-brainwashed critic celebrates Hamilton as being a ‘dangerous’ version of Schoolhouse Rock. I didn’t even make that part up; that’s literally what the fans of the show say about it.
Hamilton is what would happen if you locked all the people who unironically retweeted, “Time for some GAME THEORY!” in a room and told them to group jam a hip, new version of Johnny Tremaine. The Disney version; not the book.
Let me tell you about the time a bunch of people who blame Susan Sarandon for Hillary Clinton losing the election got together to write a Vox explainer…
The definitely-not-a-personality-cult audience of Hamilton loves the musical’s groundbreakingly schmaltzy and politely reactionary nationalism, especially for how it launders America’s past and present crimes into the most inspiring human interest story about wise celebrity politicians and noble, patriotic wonks since The West Wing, but this time with black people so it’s even more important. Hamilton‘s core audience of soppy liberal jingoes in denial’s demand for more gentrified revisionist history to be pooped directly into their brains is so insatiable, Linny From The Block has begun posting short remixes and Hamilton-related performances on TikTok to give the show’s target audience yet another excuse not to get over their Constitution fetish from ninth grade history class. Fans have given these short clips the affectionate name, ‘Hamildroppings’.
Hamilton is what would happen if the cast of MSNBC wrote their own, ‘improved’ version of Mr. Smith Goes To Washington and cast Poochie to play Jimmy Stewart.
Hamilton showed everyone traumatized by the death of Quibi there was still a place for mature, nuanced storytelling in this otherwise barren cultural landscape.
What’s the favorite musical of people who own a Pete Buttigieg poster?
What do you call a room full of people who supported universal healthcare until Bernie Sanders won the Iowa Caucus? A Hamilton convention.
If you went into a crowded theater where Hamilton is being performed and shouted, “Oh no! The Pod Save America guys were all eaten by weasels!” the entire audience would burst into tears.
Have you heard the one about Aaron Sorkin and Jazzy Jeff forming a rap duo and releasing a Constitution-themed concept album?
What’s the perfect night out for people who think Spike Lee, “undermined his own message,” when Mookie threw the trash can?
The kids are alright.
Pulitzer Prize winner and MacArthur genius grant recipient Lin-Manuel Miranda demonstrating his visionary artistic genius.
So, three people who think Kamala Harris is a civil rights pioneer walk into a theater, and…
Fun fact: the name for a group of McKinsey consultants is, ‘a hamilton.’
Artistic genius Lin-Manuel Miranda responds to criticism that his play, about how the Founding Fathers were tragic heroes who made the bestest and most tolerancing country ever, by politely and deferentially explaining that there just wasn’t any room to talk about those things because it was much more important to show people how the wives and mistresses of the Founding Fathers were total girlbosses whose smart but sassy attitudes really shaped this country. Miranda then continued to make obscene amounts of money by pandering to an audience of self-impressed, complacent liberals who want to think the War of American Independence was a cartoonish ‘gang war’ instead of a rebellion by a bunch of rich assholes who were mad they had to pay taxes and weren’t allowed to annihilate as many Indian tribes as they wanted to. But it’s ok: U.S. history has black people now because Hamilton says so, so now U.S. history is totally on fleek.
“[T]he casting of Black, Latino, and Asian American leads allowed [Hamilton’s audience] to literally view America as a nation of immigrants, with the intention of showing how irrelevant the Founding Fathers’ whiteness is to their claim on the country.”
“Rollin’ down the street, to the White House
Sippin’ on mint julip, laid back
With my mind on my cotton
And my cotton on my mind”
— George Washington, from Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton
Ok, that was fun but now we need to start talking seriously. The truth about Hamilton is: Keith Olbermann just died of autoerotic asphyxiation by choking himself too hard with an American flag, and you’ll never guess what he wants played at his funeral…
The definitely-not-cultish audience of Hamilton created the popular myth that Lin-Manuel Miranda’s performance as Alexander Hamilton, who none of them have never met and has been dead for centuries, channels the exact details of Alexander Hamilton’s dead-for-200+-years personality so accurately that Miranda must have the sacred blood flowing in his veins. Like a The Da Vinci Code for liberal jingoes too cowardly to become real conspiracy theorists, starring a Kidz Bop version of Oliver Twist who grows up to be a slaveowner.